vermont, day before leaving

hours of skiing, days of not showering = danielle, mountain woman

thats my dad's excitement face

family

suzannnaananaasuzie

rustic living

posin' in my room



as fun as skiing and being around loud russians is, i really expected this trip to be more about me and less about them. i wanted to write and finish up some necessary work. it turns out that i just morphed closer to my loud russian identity. 100 pounds heavier from non stop eating and on a mountain 1000 feet higher than i am supposed to actually be, i don't feel so sad right now. 

vermont pros- 

1. good air makes my skin flawless

2. winter clothes hides my food baby

3. it is absolutely beautiful

vermont cons-

1. lack of civilization

2. unpaved roads

3. too many distances between places

skiing, eating, vermont

papa and i sleep the exact same way.

a drawing of me by my best friend sara

new years resolution

3 years ago, i wrote this in my xanga-blog, i wont disclose the link unless you ask, i am sort of embarrassed by the old me, it looks something like a new years resolution list, next to each item, i will comment on whether i did it or not



monday, january 02, 2006
vlad wrote out a resolution list from last year and since he is so wise and stuff, i decided to do the same.

1. Stop spending so much money on other people, spend it on CDs (this is true, i did end up doing this for a little while until i realized how awful my music taste was)
2. Talk to a random stranger (i have been doing it more and more, mainly on bus stops, you never expect to meet the people that you do)
3. Stop being so shy in front of new people (sort of true, i have made many new friends since 2006)
4. Make more friends at school (maybe in my head its true but in reality, im a bitch at school and no one likes me)
5. Stop going on myspace so much/admiring jeffree star (haha atleast this is 100% true now)
6. Fall in love [but dont force it] (this happened and was not as great as i built it up to be)
7. Pass biology (well, i don't really remember)
8. Stop getting jealous (i got better at controlling it at least, but not 100% there yet)
9. Get most of the Bed Head styling products (why would i ever in the world want this, god only knows)
10. Watch more French films with Gerard Depardiue (i guess i did this? i didnt just limit myself to depardiue but enjoyed many french actors!)
11. Go to a rally (never happened)
12. Get more flexible/inside and out (never happened, my posture has only become worse, i am more cynical than ever)
13. Meet Devendra Banhart (oh danielle circa 2006, how you amuse me)
14. Meet some of my close myspace/xanga friends [pathetic?] (HAAHAHHAAHA, i dont think this happened)
15. Learn to use a Leica (this did happen and i learned that i am a shitty photographer, thanks Leica)
16. Stop wishing this list was as good as vlad's (i can't remember his list, but i guess i did stop wishing)
17. Fill out/complete my sketchbook/journal (i have filled out maybe 3 since this post)
18. Be photographed by somebody else[professionally] (happened a few times, not professionally, but i have very talented friends)
19. Save money to buy that Andy Warhol Poloroid collection (someone bought me a book of 360 andy warhol photos that i opened maybe once)
20. Take more risks (true to an extent)

nella

nella doesn't feel good, her leg hurts, we spent a little bit on the phone before talking about going to opera. i want to visit her, despite the snow storm outside and all, but she said she's keeping what hospital she is at a secret from me, even though i know shes at beth israel.





an old picture, an old picture of me and nella standing on broadway like tourists, an old picture of me and nella after walking around over the summer, drinking, eating, and talking about kundera

people think that right now is the most important time/thing in their lives. getting into college like its some sort of a sport, keeping secrets, being the best, being rejected, losing virginities, it matters so much that people forget what the most important thing in life really is, and when someone you love is in the hospital, you finally realize what that most-important-thing in the world truly means...

weird and romantic

the weirdest most romantic thing happened at school today.

i was walking to my locker, the hallways were completely empty except for me, this trendy korean boy standing in a door way (waiting for a teacher?) and a awkward looking korean girl walking towards me with pants that she out grew 2 years ago but never replaced with new ones, a weird beanie, and a stuffed animal. i walked to my locker and opened it up, not expecting the weirdest most romantic thing to happen at that very moment. thats when the girl stopped in the hallway and kept her glance at the wall, away from trendy-korean-boy.

"RJ, I don't think I can talk to you anymore."

she then walked away. the trendy korean boy lost his composure and looked at me, i looked back at him with a 'how awkward' expression even though i was dying inside.

"she's so weird" he said, and walked away.

i dont even know how to put into words the entire thing, because it was so beautiful. she totally meant it. he hurt her. he probably keeps her up at night, sending her IMs and secret love letters, but around his friends, she doesn't exist. enough was enough. that girl, whoever she is, is my new hero.

rejection

this post is going to be about rejection:

dear danielle of the future reading this,

right now, you are feeling all sorts of feelings of emptiness and denial and humiliation. you got denied from nyu and that is something you have to live with. sure, you have more college work to finish and you can't set all your eggs in one basket. yes, they accepted raul over you, but please please please listen to all of the nice things your friends and teachers tell you, even though the 'sorrry's' sound programmed from time to time and you think that most people are only thinking about themselves while trying to appear polite. this is a selfish and cruel bureaucratic world. right now you have tears rolling down your face because you have just come to a major conclusion about how pointless the entire process is. making fake friends, setting fake goals, and being upset about fake institutions who would prefer stuttering boys over you and your credentials. everything will work out, hopefully. even though i am writing all of this to my future self, i cant help but still feel pretty low.

why does this have to hurt so badly?

normal things to happen to me that prove that i am human too:

1. being broken up with
2. being rejected from college
3. really liking the new britney spears cd

danielle turns 14

danielle, my friend sara's sister, is 14 today. through her birthday, i too, turned 14 for a night. it was just like the old times when sara's dad used to take us out to movies and dinner and make lame jokes that were funny because he says them seriously. it was fantastic. i ate tons of salty hibachi, got 'hanukah gelt' in the form of a blazer and top, and some really good laughs. it was nice to escape back to the past for one single night.

okay,okai,okae

dear whoever,

i am slowly losing my mind. if my anxiety does not go away, i will run away. you can find me at tapanga canyon with my one and only, devendra banhart.

on other news:

i realized today at the gym with rikki that butts sweat too. my body is slowly melting off of my bones. i have no control of anything anymore.

gunga din

any day now that i hear back from college, and the more i think about it, the less i wanna go. i just want money to fall from the sky, not so much, but enough to pay for my travels to the following places:

1. moscow/siberia
2. paris
3. wherever in japan 'norwegian wood' takes place
4. rome
5. athens
6. egypt
7. argentina
8. back to prague
9. amsterdam
10. wherever in sweden 'sommaren med monika' takes place

whatever sugar daddy is reading this and is willing to support my expenses, i am willing to compensate with good conversations and company.

gossip girl

i am an open gossip girl fan, i absolutely love that show, i am so buying season 2 on dvd.
today's episode was exceptionally special. the acting, the editing, and the choice of music, was exactly how i would have done it myself if i was ever lucky enough to work on the show. fantastic.

what the show made me realize today not the reoccoruing theme of how badly i want to be a rich kid with rich kid problems, but on the contrary, how badly i want to be loved.

its incredible, but all i really want right now is to be held, to feel a man's breath over my own, smell his skin, hide in the indents of his neck, i cant stand this urge, but holding another is all i really want (this sensitivity was brought out of me during the scene where blair and chuck hold each other on the bed, ugh).

gah, what is wrong with me?

--- on other news ----

the boy working at starbucks keeps smiling at me and has offered me free coffee twice by now, we had an awkward exchange the other day where he said thanks to my thanks and we kept dashing glances at one another and saying thanks...a coffee addict falling in love with a starbucks barista...a new age love story i can get to before hollywood can

going to sleep/waking up

hookah w/ jen and mina friday night---taken by the heterosexual upper east side cutie sitting next to us

good charlotte, oh yes

to danielle from danielle:


stop being upset all the time, you will get over this, whatever this slump is, it will be over soon and as long as i, your sanity, is writing this edit in your blog, i want to say that you are deserving of much more than you think you are. so as you lay in your bed reminiscing about how good of a movie 'you got mail' was, remember that soon things will pick up for you too

hahaahha

i laughed so hard today, hahahah so much laughter, such a good day, i love laughter, its natural and uncontrollable and i wish i could control it to make it come more often, because it feels so incredible. im sure whoever is reading this is human and knows what im talking about, but for whatever reason...ive just been so overwhelmed...that ive forgotten...

it started with a little girlie named rikki...it ended with me in contorted poses doing yoga

we sat in starbucks for a few hours pretending to be busy students on our macs when in actuallity we were just on facebook and talking about ways to cheat the college system...like getting married and being independent from your parents so you dont have to pay as much tuition (my mom thought of this, not me)

good day, now i have to prepare for a debate tomorrow and stop focusing on squeezing my skin

ugly girls

im not a bad person, i promise, i want to start this entry by saying that, but i cant take how things are going anymore.
there are too many ugly girls, and they all have boyfriends. i agree that i am no cleopatra (elizabeth taylor depiction that is) but can i have some sort of anything? ugly girls are everywhere and they get away with murder. their disproportionate faces, dragging feet, and unfeminine physiques contradict everything that is sexual about women...yet they get something that i dont, and that is how to make men fall in love with them. as far as my efforts to look cute go, they are worthless. everything and anything that i do will point to the fact that i am undesirable, a bad person, and just not getting a piece of the formula.

fugly situation #1
this morning i went to starbucks and saw a decent guy with his girlfriend, he was buying her hotchocolate. they looked good together, a good loving teenage couple. i got everything that i expected from them. he touched her back, she smiled, he paid for the hotchcolate, she didnt get whipped cream on top. typical. if it was me, id get the whipped cream, dip my finger in it, and lick it and smile to act childish and cute because thats what lolita would have done. but obviously, that would be wrong. as good as the boy was, the girl was a scrawny tall one, with terrible highlights, droopy eyes, and too much length to be considered feminine. i am a bad person.

fugly situation #2
the internet leads to terrible gossip. a attractive myspace friend has the ugliest girls writing to him. when i say fugly, i mean FUGLY. these girls were beaten. their faces looked like they were 40, evne though the words they hid behind were cute and "lets have fun"-esque. the boys incited more flirtation, writing about future plans and how much fun they would have together, so on and so forth. i am tired of this! i want to sleep it off and forget it! the girls had blurry photos, basically one being a half-to-true depiction of the face. it is pathetic, she knows it, i know it, you know it, the only one who is blinded is the boy...

this makes me unattractive. i will delete this. or make it private. or something.
i am a bad person
i am mean
no one will read this
and no one will love me
and that is the natural cycle of things that i have to accept

waiting to tutor

i need a legitimate job with legitimate pay and legitimate respect.
not that i dont have all that already but i am sick of waiting at the library for the kids i tutor and calling them to make sure everything is on and they let me down with "the kids are exhausted sorry for not calling you earlier". as often as this happens, the case today is that they are just late and my entire schedule is going to be thrown off because of these lost 30 minutes.
what i need done:
-play
-government paper
-gossip girl

sick of waiting! i wait for everyone! i wonder what it would be like to be the one waited for. will someone please wait for me?