halloween

today is halloween and again, my theory of how everyone in my school is a complete moron has been proven. they all wore the same synthetic template of a slutty costume. this holiday is just a polite way to pretend to be a porn star without offending anybody directly. i, on the other hand, took the opurtunity to do something id be too shy to do on a regular day. 

(up top: marc and i look like those bad kids in highschool. we will laugh at that picture in a decade and comment on how young and careless we were)

beautiful!

we are watching a movie in psychology called "awakenings" about people who caught some post great war epidemic and froze stiff until they took synthesized dopemeine to move. a stunning performance on both parts of robert deniro playing patient and robin williams playing doctor. it makes me want to live, just like the video i posted up top makes me love the life i have and breathe and walk through

i cant take how awkward of a human being i am. i thought i had it all down, the talk, the skill, the charm, but i dont! i am terrible and dont know how to handle myself around other people because i still havent come to terms with my own flesh in skin proof of human-hood. 

i guess thats how things feel lately. =[

on a brighter note: going to see rio en medio tomorrow night

nervous feelings

i am getting all sorts of nervous feelings, i dont want to be lame and say because of college applications or school or anything like that, but i cant help but get chills for no apparent reason. i cant wait to live somewhere else.

saturday

today was the longest day as far as long days go

i woke up at 6:30 and played footsie with myself under the covers trying to keep warm, it felt nice after the creepy aspect of it was forgotten, went to SVA, took notes, talked woody allen with Sal, took more notes, walked around and realized it wasn't sweater weather, got upset, took a local 1 train, sat next to a woman carrying plants and herbs home, got creepy by inhaling too close for comfort near her, hung out with dylan, went to a french chain restaurant, walked around central park, walked around the upper west side, took the 1 train back down, got stuck mid way, thought it was a terrorist attack, envisioned my body blowing into pieces of flesh against the windows, thought about my mom's reaction, got to port authority, waited for a bus that was an hour late, saw a girl from school who didnt say hello even though we both knew each other, got over the awkwardness and sat down, read while a flamboyant man in a suit complayed to me about my light/the air conditioning not working/which stop northvale was, got pizza with sara, ran into long lost newly found friends, hung out, went home, video chatted with natalie, blahdeeblahdeeblah!

free periods

i love having free periods, especially at the end of the day enabling me to go home. sure, i used to fight with my mom, begging her for my license, begging her to put me on her insurance so i could drive like all the other cool seniors. but unlike my classmates, i dont care about driving locally with amazing rap music blasting obnoxiously, i have nothing to prove in that sense. unlike my classmates, i walk home, i walk everywhere, and unlike them, i get to see things that they probably miss as their perspectives are distorted with spitting shouts of booty everywhere. on my walk home today, i saw the beginnings of fall on the streets; it was one of those moments where i walked home with my eyes closed and tried to take in as much as possible in one long inhale. 

(...but being able to drive to see my friends would still be nice)

in the spirit of halloween

the reason this started is because the sad truth is that i dont know how to draw hands =[