vermont, day before leaving

hours of skiing, days of not showering = danielle, mountain woman

thats my dad's excitement face

family

suzannnaananaasuzie

rustic living

posin' in my room



as fun as skiing and being around loud russians is, i really expected this trip to be more about me and less about them. i wanted to write and finish up some necessary work. it turns out that i just morphed closer to my loud russian identity. 100 pounds heavier from non stop eating and on a mountain 1000 feet higher than i am supposed to actually be, i don't feel so sad right now. 

vermont pros- 

1. good air makes my skin flawless

2. winter clothes hides my food baby

3. it is absolutely beautiful

vermont cons-

1. lack of civilization

2. unpaved roads

3. too many distances between places

skiing, eating, vermont

papa and i sleep the exact same way.

a drawing of me by my best friend sara

new years resolution

3 years ago, i wrote this in my xanga-blog, i wont disclose the link unless you ask, i am sort of embarrassed by the old me, it looks something like a new years resolution list, next to each item, i will comment on whether i did it or not



monday, january 02, 2006
vlad wrote out a resolution list from last year and since he is so wise and stuff, i decided to do the same.

1. Stop spending so much money on other people, spend it on CDs (this is true, i did end up doing this for a little while until i realized how awful my music taste was)
2. Talk to a random stranger (i have been doing it more and more, mainly on bus stops, you never expect to meet the people that you do)
3. Stop being so shy in front of new people (sort of true, i have made many new friends since 2006)
4. Make more friends at school (maybe in my head its true but in reality, im a bitch at school and no one likes me)
5. Stop going on myspace so much/admiring jeffree star (haha atleast this is 100% true now)
6. Fall in love [but dont force it] (this happened and was not as great as i built it up to be)
7. Pass biology (well, i don't really remember)
8. Stop getting jealous (i got better at controlling it at least, but not 100% there yet)
9. Get most of the Bed Head styling products (why would i ever in the world want this, god only knows)
10. Watch more French films with Gerard Depardiue (i guess i did this? i didnt just limit myself to depardiue but enjoyed many french actors!)
11. Go to a rally (never happened)
12. Get more flexible/inside and out (never happened, my posture has only become worse, i am more cynical than ever)
13. Meet Devendra Banhart (oh danielle circa 2006, how you amuse me)
14. Meet some of my close myspace/xanga friends [pathetic?] (HAAHAHHAAHA, i dont think this happened)
15. Learn to use a Leica (this did happen and i learned that i am a shitty photographer, thanks Leica)
16. Stop wishing this list was as good as vlad's (i can't remember his list, but i guess i did stop wishing)
17. Fill out/complete my sketchbook/journal (i have filled out maybe 3 since this post)
18. Be photographed by somebody else[professionally] (happened a few times, not professionally, but i have very talented friends)
19. Save money to buy that Andy Warhol Poloroid collection (someone bought me a book of 360 andy warhol photos that i opened maybe once)
20. Take more risks (true to an extent)

nella

nella doesn't feel good, her leg hurts, we spent a little bit on the phone before talking about going to opera. i want to visit her, despite the snow storm outside and all, but she said she's keeping what hospital she is at a secret from me, even though i know shes at beth israel.





an old picture, an old picture of me and nella standing on broadway like tourists, an old picture of me and nella after walking around over the summer, drinking, eating, and talking about kundera

people think that right now is the most important time/thing in their lives. getting into college like its some sort of a sport, keeping secrets, being the best, being rejected, losing virginities, it matters so much that people forget what the most important thing in life really is, and when someone you love is in the hospital, you finally realize what that most-important-thing in the world truly means...

weird and romantic

the weirdest most romantic thing happened at school today.

i was walking to my locker, the hallways were completely empty except for me, this trendy korean boy standing in a door way (waiting for a teacher?) and a awkward looking korean girl walking towards me with pants that she out grew 2 years ago but never replaced with new ones, a weird beanie, and a stuffed animal. i walked to my locker and opened it up, not expecting the weirdest most romantic thing to happen at that very moment. thats when the girl stopped in the hallway and kept her glance at the wall, away from trendy-korean-boy.

"RJ, I don't think I can talk to you anymore."

she then walked away. the trendy korean boy lost his composure and looked at me, i looked back at him with a 'how awkward' expression even though i was dying inside.

"she's so weird" he said, and walked away.

i dont even know how to put into words the entire thing, because it was so beautiful. she totally meant it. he hurt her. he probably keeps her up at night, sending her IMs and secret love letters, but around his friends, she doesn't exist. enough was enough. that girl, whoever she is, is my new hero.

rejection

this post is going to be about rejection:

dear danielle of the future reading this,

right now, you are feeling all sorts of feelings of emptiness and denial and humiliation. you got denied from nyu and that is something you have to live with. sure, you have more college work to finish and you can't set all your eggs in one basket. yes, they accepted raul over you, but please please please listen to all of the nice things your friends and teachers tell you, even though the 'sorrry's' sound programmed from time to time and you think that most people are only thinking about themselves while trying to appear polite. this is a selfish and cruel bureaucratic world. right now you have tears rolling down your face because you have just come to a major conclusion about how pointless the entire process is. making fake friends, setting fake goals, and being upset about fake institutions who would prefer stuttering boys over you and your credentials. everything will work out, hopefully. even though i am writing all of this to my future self, i cant help but still feel pretty low.

why does this have to hurt so badly?

normal things to happen to me that prove that i am human too:

1. being broken up with
2. being rejected from college
3. really liking the new britney spears cd